Words and Photography by: Dakota King
If talking about clams, hams, beans, and peens makes you uncomfortable, then being serenaded with lyrics such as “I wanna take your chubby ass back to my place//Squirt my baby gravy all over your face,””While a beast greases up my pole//
I’m gonna blow my load at the glory hole,” and “Hair on your nipples//Zits on your box//In Oklahoma city//You’re considered a fox” from none other than Steel Panther probably will result in you not having a good time. However, if you thoroughly enjoy raunchy humour and down right inappropriate jokes, as well as leopard print, soft hair, clingy spandex, and of course, metal, then The Roxy Theatre was where you needed to be on Monday, November 16 as The Well Hungover Tour rode into Barrie, Ontario, taking with it a few of our virgins and a bit of our souls.
Opening our evening to remember was Golden Gate Graves, Alliston’s very own hard rock quartet. Having caught them last year at Budweiser New Music Fest, and this year at The Horseshoe Tavern already, knowing just how much they punch performance wise was enough, if not more than what was needed, to stir things up for those anxiously awaiting Steel Panther‘s arrival to the stage. The two 30, 40-something dudes squished next to me kept exchanging back and forth just how much “they kicked a**” and how Grant Boyer‘s pitch was “f***ing through the roof”, especially during their rendition of Alice In Chains‘ “Them Bones” and their own track “One Step Away”. New fans, and old fans, can agree with those statements, as well as with this observation: Boyer, you have a nice head of hair. If you happen to catch a show where they are opening, or even playing solo, you will not be disappointed- they deliver, and they deserve to be where they are as musicians.
As Golden Gate Graves made their exit, the Roxy made a point of playing 80’s hair metal and classic rock over the sound system, sending the audience to sing alongside Motley Crue, Black Sabbath, Van Halen, Def Leppard, and Autograph to name a few. It is customary for venues to do this, however, in all my years attending shows, this was a first for me in regards to just how hyped the crowd was before the headliner. There wasn’t just a few people here and there singing along to pass time, the entire room was chanting and hurling verses at each other. And when the lights dimmed finally, the audience (consisting of young, spirited Georgian College students, die hard Panther fans of mixed ages dressed in 80’s garb, and everyone and anyone in between) clambered to the stage to welcome Stix Zadinia, Lexxi Foxx, Satchel, and Michael Starr.
Launching into “Eyes Of A Panther”, we embarked on an hour and forty-seven-ish long journey featuring titles from Feel The Steel, Balls Out, and All You Can Eat. With charming banter, sexual innuendos, and witty comedy, Steel Panther was more than entertaining. Starr and Satchel sniffed out all the MILF’s, virgins, and hot chicks in attendance, and fuelled themselves off of their beauty, their screams, their “kitties”, and their “titties”, unabashedly remarking on such and making inappropriate jokes towards them and all women in general- a feminists nightmare. You would think this would keep the female populous away from their performances but it is actually quite the opposite- female Panther fans look forward to the cat calling, the name calling, the sexually charged looks, the vilified lyrics, so much so they flock up to the stage in hopes to touch Starr or Satchel‘s hand, and flash their lady bags left, right, and center- to the young lady up who was up on the balcony in the red tank, you are brave.
As Steel Panther sashayed their way into “Asian Hooker”, Starr plucked an attractive, female Asian Canadian from the balcony and invited her to join himself and the band on stage for a duration of the song. This was not the gist of fan interaction that night, in fact upon spotting a man donning a Nirvana shirt, he too was plucked from the audience and invited on stage to sing alongside Starr. In an attempt to get the fellow some ‘p***y’ for later in the evening, Starr encouraged him to take his shirt off. And behold! A balance of male and female boobs were represented that evening, and by unveiling his blanch epidermis for all of the Roxy Theatre to see, ultimately sent two women to go over and converse with the Nirvana fan after leaving the stage. Once again, when Panther surged into “17 Girls In A Row”, they invited seventeen women to dance on stage for the entirety of “17 Girls In A Row” and “Gloryhole”. If its one thing that can be duly noted, it is the fact that Steel Panther incorporates their audience into their performance as much as possible. Kind of reminds me of when Greenday hit the Molson Amphitheatre in 2010- Billie Joe picked a fair few from the audience below to join himself, Jason White, Mike Dirnt, and Tre Cool in a variety of antics.
One highlight or highlights from the night was watching the numerous failed attempts to ignite mosh pits and or be a successful crowd surfer. The security game was en pointe, and to the mohawked man who solely had to deal with this on his own- you are a warrior. Despite these few “disturbances” as some dare called it, fans and attendees ranging from their early twenties to their late forties laughed and responded to Steel Panther‘s over-the-top raunchy and offensive schtick, singing along to all the words of all the songs that made up their set. The band closed off an amazingly hilarious evening with a bang by playing “Death To All But Metal”, and returned to the stage (after some drunken cheering) for a two song encore comprised of “Community Property” and “Party All Day”.
Steel Panther can sing about genitals, sexually transmitted infections, and the whole Hollywood hoopla like no other. From the mouths of The Band: take a load off Fanny, let loose, and go unwind in the incredible atmosphere Panther provides for an evening. Smutty, comedy-filled heavy metal might just be what you need in your life.
Thank you Embrace!